I did not fully understand what my little journey of finding my “home” would look like until now. YOU ARE MY HOME. When I came across this image it just hit me. Those words are so very powerful and so very true. And at times they have been so very hard for me to understand. At times, so much inside of me has wanted to give up on this life. Give up on making a home in a different place, manifesting new relationships when I already had them, finding my way in a new career when I had already started one, and learning to fit into a place that felt so foreign and so far away.
I have yet to really fully dive into my experience of leaving Texas and starting a life in a different state. One that I literally knew nothing about…Moving out of state (and Texas of all of them) was one of the most humbling and overwhelming experiences that I have personally been through. I have lived in three states so far, Texas, California, and Minnesota, with the latter being my permanent residence. And you never know what the future holds for us…
I was born with an adventurer’s heart and love to travel to new places, explore new cities, and chase the sunshine. But I find it interesting how even when I have traveled to some of the most brilliant of places there is always that longing to go “home”.
But what does that little word “home” really mean? When you look up the word home in the dictionary it states “the place where one lives permanently”. (I love that). A permanent location on this earth which can and could be literally anywhere.
Moving to be with my husband, was a huge undertaking. Trust me, I was (and still can be) the first to remind him of my journey to be with him – especially, on those 0 degree winter nights. Days and nights when all I long for is a nice cold mambo taxi while sitting on a patio in Dallas surrounded by “my people” in my “home”.
In the beginning, I was so very afraid to let go of all the things I knew. I was afraid that in leaving my home people would forget me. I was out of sight and out of mind. I was afraid that I would forget all the things I was taught. I was afraid that I would lose the southern-ness that I so very much wanted to cling to. And I was worried people in my new home wouldn’t like me or know how to relate to me. Everything felt wrong and different and frustrating.
How could it be that out of all the men in the world mine was in Minnesota? We were very much together – us against the world, thick as thieves. So I spent so many nights on my knees praying, in the shower crying, in my car driving to work (sliding to work on icy streets) trying to sort it all out inside. There were days when I didn’t know how to cope or how to deal with the all consuming emotions I was sorting out. Was this it? Was this my home? Forever?
But what does that little word “home” really mean? When you look up the word home in the dictionary it states “the place where one lives permanently”. (I love that). A permanent location on this earth which can and could be literally anywhere.
Moving to be with my husband, was a huge undertaking. Trust me, I was (and still can be) the first to remind him of my journey to be with him – especially, on those 0 degree winter nights. Days and nights when all I long for is a nice cold mambo taxi while sitting on a patio in Dallas surrounded by “my people” in my “home”.
In the beginning, I was so very afraid to let go of all the things I knew. I was afraid that in leaving my home people would forget me. I was out of sight and out of mind. I was afraid that I would forget all the things I was taught. I was afraid that I would lose the southern-ness that I so very much wanted to cling to. And I was worried people in my new home wouldn’t like me or know how to relate to me. Everything felt wrong and different and frustrating.
How could it be that out of all the men in the world mine was in Minnesota? We were very much together – us against the world, thick as thieves. So I spent so many nights on my knees praying, in the shower crying, in my car driving to work (sliding to work on icy streets) trying to sort it all out inside. There were days when I didn’t know how to cope or how to deal with the all consuming emotions I was sorting out. Was this it? Was this my home? Forever?
Moving totally rocked my world and it also tested me in ways I was not yet prepared for. There were times I felt like I was drowning and there was no one there to help or throw me a rope. I would make quick jaunts to Texas and I would pretty much cry the entire time the plane started its decent on Texas soil… and I would then cry with my girlfriends during my visits and then usually the entire flight home. Bless the people around me… and thank you for being one of those friends who lent me a shoulder to cry on, and allowed me to figure out the hard stuff.
What I was feeling was so very torn. I felt like everything I wanted for my life was in Texas but then there was this incredible man who wanted to start a life with me. He has always been my biggest cheerleader, my biggest fan and he is my biggest blessing. Some days I want to freaking ring his neck he makes me so mad, or does some bone headed husband thing, but in the end he is my home. He is the target that I decided would stick. I thank God for guiding that arrow in his direction, for that I am and always will be forever grateful.
What I was feeling was so very torn. I felt like everything I wanted for my life was in Texas but then there was this incredible man who wanted to start a life with me. He has always been my biggest cheerleader, my biggest fan and he is my biggest blessing. Some days I want to freaking ring his neck he makes me so mad, or does some bone headed husband thing, but in the end he is my home. He is the target that I decided would stick. I thank God for guiding that arrow in his direction, for that I am and always will be forever grateful.
And to be completely honest – all of this was really hard on us as a couple. But my husband somehow made it through all of it with me. He had to be my best friend, my mom, my dad, my brother, my everything…And he was, and he still is…They always say (whoever “they” are), that with time you will understand what matters most. That if you could go back and do things differently you probably would. And I would. I wish that I could have known that all of the ups and downs, sleepless nights, the fears, the anxiety, the stress, would lead me to this point. To my home…
I finally had to get to a place where I could understand that this journey was not my own. That this life we were and still are creating is about something bigger. I just needed to let go and let it all happen. I realize now, that together, we are each other’s home. Home doesn’t have to be a structure or a state or a building, or an actual house, it doesn’t even have to be a significant other. We all create our own homes in all different places and faces.
When the word “home” is used as a verb in the dictionary it says, “move or be aimed toward (a target or destination) with great accuracy”. That is what I had so badly longed for…to find my home with great accuracy to land on my destination.
I finally had to get to a place where I could understand that this journey was not my own. That this life we were and still are creating is about something bigger. I just needed to let go and let it all happen. I realize now, that together, we are each other’s home. Home doesn’t have to be a structure or a state or a building, or an actual house, it doesn’t even have to be a significant other. We all create our own homes in all different places and faces.
When the word “home” is used as a verb in the dictionary it says, “move or be aimed toward (a target or destination) with great accuracy”. That is what I had so badly longed for…to find my home with great accuracy to land on my destination.
Trust me, life is messy, my life is messy, our life is totally messy. I am not saying our journey is perfect because it totally isn’t. I am helplessly flawed, stubborn, opinionated, highly emotional, but I am trying to live this life to the fullest. It is something that I want to strive for each day. And the truth is this mission is not easy. I too get easily distracted from honing in on that target of finding joy. I frequently have really shitty days, the one’s where I don’t want to talk to anyone or be around anyone, or put on a smile or small talk…days and nights where I feel like I am failing miserably. Thoughts constantly scroll across my mind of how I didn’t cook again for the 100th night in a row, I am up pintresting recipes or ideas for the house, I want to do more with my blog, our business website is not up to date, I missed another friend’s baby shower, I need to play more with the dogs, i missed another wedding, another birthday. AHHHHH!
But it is easy to focus on all of the cant’s or should have’s or I did not’s and make them the focus of life. We are human. We aim to please. I always aim to please. I want to try to be the best friend I can to all the beautiful people that have been put in the eye of my target. And to be honest with you, that scope keeps changing as I grow. As my journey progress, and as I find that I love my home being here in Minnesota. I have seen a change in the way I use my words when I talk about my now home. I can now see with joy-filled eyes beauty, where before all I could see was negative and wrong.
Being southern is a beautiful and strong character trait, one that I am very thankful for as it has shaped me into the woman I am today. But letting go and starting over was so hard. (I mean – my first melt down was in the middle of the grocery store when they told me that they did not sell Blue Bell Ice Cream – my first of many “letting go’s” – there are so many to tell – more to come on that note).
But, honestly, it was one of the hardest things, and I still find myself struggling with it on some occasions. When I miss my family or special occasions….because life goes on.
Gracefully, I have seen a slow change occur in me. Now when I return to Texas, I find myself longing to return to my “home” here in this beautiful city. Texas will always and forever have my heart but I go there to visit and then I need to get back to what is my “destination” and do so with great “accuracy”.
But, honestly, it was one of the hardest things, and I still find myself struggling with it on some occasions. When I miss my family or special occasions….because life goes on.
Gracefully, I have seen a slow change occur in me. Now when I return to Texas, I find myself longing to return to my “home” here in this beautiful city. Texas will always and forever have my heart but I go there to visit and then I need to get back to what is my “destination” and do so with great “accuracy”.
XO Tamara Brooke
Hi- I know this post is a bit older but I just wanted to let you know that I can completely relate to your experience and reading that somebody else was going through what I had & I guess still am going through really comforts me in a way. I’m from Upstate New York but have also lived in Florida and California where I currently live with my boyfriend and goofy dog. I really like the way you write and express yourself! Thanks again for the post! Looking forward to reading more.
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Jenny –
Thank you for the kind words and for sharing it really means a lot to me when someone shares or comments or even relates. Wishing you so much love in your new home XO Tamara