Maxed out + Cancer Free

Maxed out. That just about sums up how I have been feeling this entire week. Funny how sitting in bed and staring at a computer screen or doing absolutely nothing can totally change your outlook, perspective, bring doubt, leave you wondering what you’ve done with your life to get to this point? Do I have cancer?

I recently underwent my first surgery and the time leading up to it was a total mental battle. I felt maxed out walking into the operating room and climbing up on the surgery table. Staring at the busy bodies moving anxiously around the room, waiting, watching everything happening and just knowing in a few short moments, I would be the subject of everyone’s attention. Will they find cancer? Am I going to make it?

Surgery is odd. Strange how something so invasive can be happening while you are completely unaware of it. How you can be present but totally uninvolved in something so monumental, something that’s happening to you. I feel like that sometimes in life. Like I am standing in the middle of the room, yet somehow, completely uninvolved.

But hearing a total stranger utter the words, “All your cells are normal we see nothing to be worried about,” that my friends, can really rock your world. It’s a moment where your brain goes sideways. Like you are listening to what is being said but at the same time you simply cannot process the words. She could have been speaking French, and I wouldn’t have noticed. I think this is the hardest part of it all, the waiting, the wondering, the worrying. I hung up the phone and it felt like a total mind f#$% (pardon my French), but I don’t really know another way to describe it. You know the expression “all the feels” yeah that pretty much sums it up, like down your spine and into your toes “feels”.

And yet, all I can think about is how many women are hearing the opposite. I want to hug them all, tell them I will hold their hands during chemo, listen to their worries, write down their stories. It’s like finishing 2nd or 3rd place, you are so close to being number one. They are the number one’s. They deserve the glory, the praise. I feel humbled by the entire experience, maxed out, yet more grateful than when I began. I am back feeling refreshed and grateful for your words, comments, texts, emails, flowers, gifts. For taking the time to check in on me and most of all for lifting me up when I needed it most.

with love and gratitude,

Tamara

P.S. -if you  scroll all the way down you can see all the details as usual. XOXO

Images: Lillywhite Photography 

Gold Slim Equal Cuff – Hardt Jewelry

*This post is dedicated to my husband – thank you for taking care of me when I needed you most.