Living Authentic – opening up about what’s been romping around my heart lately

Recently, I’ve had more conversations than I can count about being authentic, being real, showing who we really are – who I really am. The good, the bad, the ugly, the honest stuff. With social media playing more of a role in our lives than ever, we live in 24/7 glass houses. I live in that house, you probably do too. We choose to let total strangers into our lives by painting a little picture of who we are, and usually the best version of ourselves. Trust me there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but lately I have longed to desperately stay true to who I am, to be as authentic and genuine as humanly possible.

When I went through hard times this past April I shared it on this blog with hesitation. Would people think it was silly or even care?  I was open and honest about the things I was feeling, my fears and struggles, even the what if’s. And when I tried to come back to the blog post-surgery, finding the words to share on this screen literally escaped me. I could not find inspiration and I felt like what I was doing was unimportant and no one really understood my heart. It was a massive internal struggle, like everything I was talking about or trying to share was forced or wildly unimportant…and I almost gave up on this little blog and on my dreams.

Last week seemed to come along like a lighting bolt and we said goodbye to a dear friend. It broke my heart in half watching my husband deal with losing someone so close and it made everything else seem so miniscule. Focusing on this blog or fashion or feeling like any of it mattered struck me again, and maybe even a little harder this time. Standing at his funeral this weekend and hearing friend after friend tell stories about this amazing man, stories of his funniest and most legendary moments that will long outlive him shook me to the core. Feeling the pain of a family struck by death and losing a son, brother, friend all before his time. I found myself saying, “Why?” I would say it out loud in the shower, while driving, cleaning, I couldn’t get it off my mind. Why?

Looking back I have no idea where last week went. I can’t ever get it back or bring him back but I am so thankful for the gift of being able to share what is on my heart. To mourn a loss with complete strangers and feel sadness openly. Moments like these suddenly make you want to change so much. Make you want to call that old friend you haven’t seen or spoken to in years, tell everyone important to you how much you love them, do all the things you have always promised you would. One of my friends made a very profound statement when she heard the news of our friends passing, “What if when you were born the doctor said you have exactly x amount of years to live” how different would we all live our lives.

She was right. I needed a break from writing, from sharing, even being on instagram was hard for me. Seeing everyone’s happiness made me feel even sadder. I totally missed out on the Paris attacks, my husband told me on Saturday morning and said wait to read about it because I am not sure you can handle it. And he was right. So much sadness seemed to be creeping in all around and I just wanted to shut it all out. What has been even harder is how quickly Monday rolled around and here we all are back to our regular lives. That transition has been hard to understand. Hard to just move on and keep on going, but that’s life isn’t it.

Lately I have also had a lot of people ask me where I want the blog to go? Hell, I don’t know where I am going tomorrow so I have absolutely no idea where the blog is going but I love where it has taken me. I love the new faces I now know here in MN, I am intrigued with making this blog a living and I am pretty sure that I just love coming here and sharing with you. I hope you do too.

So in the name of being honest here goes: I cry more than you would ever know – both happy and sad tears, I wear no-name brands, I love a bargain, I love being girly, my dogs middle name is Sparkles, I’m a Christian, I’ve never met a chandelier I didn’t like, the little things in life give me more joy than normal, I would own all the dogs in the world if I could specifically teacup poodles, I wish people dressed up more, I’m a middle child, I cry at really good commercials, I love snail mail and sending thank you notes, I’m a Pescatarian (10 years strong), I hate gyms, I was a Debutante, I love people too much, I think of my friends as family, really big crowds stress me out, I want to live near the ocean one day, I have naturally curly hair, I miss my family and friends in Texas so much sometimes it hurts, driving in the snow still scares me, I say yes too often, and traveling with my husband is my most favorite thing to do.

I kept looking at these images from this styled shoot in Las Vegas because it was the next blog post I had in line to share. I kept losing the inspiration to post so I thought that sharing them with something so heartfelt would let you see them the way I see them. I look at a lot of these images and I judge myself, my legs look too big, my hair is in my face…. All of the little things that really do not matter at all. They are here today and most likely old news tomorrow. I am trying to not be so hard on myself, to just live in the moment, enjoy the things the I have like a roof over my head, family, friends, and hopefully live life as my friend did because one day I hope my friends and family can stand in a crowded room and say the same things about me.

Enjoy – links below as always.  XO Tamara

Images – Kristen Joy Photography