I have been dreading the arrival of today for the past two months. Wednesday morning I will have surgery to remove the lump that has decided to make a home in my right breast. Three lumps have actually taken up residency there, but two remain unchanged since my biopsies a year and a half ago. The new one discovered this past April, continues to grow.
I am so over breasts. I often just think about starting over and removing this pair and replacing with new ones so we don’t have to have this conversation anymore. But after a few consultations with surgeons, breast docs, mammograms, sonograms, I am keeping what the good Lord gave me as long as I can. I happen to prefer this set and until I know how things will appear post surgery, I am hoping they can still stay with me.
If I am being honest with you, I am so scared. I haven’t ever had surgery. This one has been on the books for two months and I feel like the date August 26 has just been sitting there on the calendar taunting me. Circled with a really big red marker, like it is all I can look at or think about when I see a calendar. I will be sitting in bed, showering, reading or doing some random task, and out of the blue I will just start crying. I will look at my husband and think what if this was it? What if they go in and find cancer? What if I didn’t make it?
Everyone will tell you to not think that way, and yes, they are right. I shouldn’t think that way, and it is an awful thing to even say out loud. But, it is amazing how one little thing like this can change your outlook on just about everything. I have looked at these past two weeks with rose-colored glasses. Skipped the laundry, jumped in the lake, had an extra glass of wine or two or three, climbed on our rooftop to watch a meteor shower, bought the gelato in two flavors. Perspective is amazing.
I am going to be just fine. I know that in my heart. But it doesn’t mean the whole process isn’t a mental challenge of “what if’s”. This past April I was so dang nervous about sharing my biopsy story. After wavering back and forth if it was the right thing to do or not, it ended up becoming a life changing moment. So many of you reached out to me, gave me support, prayer, and love that I was so desperately needing. Hearing how you related, meant so much. I saved all the texts, messages, emails, comments because those are the real stories. Real women, real issues, real life.
I find myself feeling mad a lot. Mad at the situation, mad at my body. Feeling the lump and just wishing I could make it disappear. I’ve let so many girlfriends feel it because I think it is important for women to know what to look for. I didn’t know it was there until my OBGYN told me it was. Thankfully, I am still young, this is preventative, it is just important to be aware of what is happening to your body. I feel blessed that I am so healthy, my doc tells me that every time, “Tamara you are very healthy.” Ironically these things have nothing to do with that. So the longer I leave the lump in the more tissue they will have to take, and that is a fear because it can cause one breast to be deformed. So obviously getting it out sooner than later is the goal. My surgeon said that if I were to leave the lump “as is” it will just keep growing and eventually start protruding out of my chest. I am shocked to see the change in size in just a few short months.
Shit, growing up sucks. Sometimes being a woman sucks. I just literally never thought my boobs would be something that caused me an issue. I am an open book about this because so many women sent me messages saying that they needed to go to their annual appointment, or they were putting off seeing their doctor or felt something suspicious. So we will get it out and then see what happens next. I will be hanging out in bed recovering so send me your thoughts, stories, texts, emails, I have time on my hands!
Thanks for reading this. It is easy to feel alone during these things and knowing I’m not makes all the difference. I know many tears will still flow, and I know that if you are reading this you are going to lift me up from afar, and boy do I need it.
XO Tamara
I’m super proud of my brave & beautiful wife! Now let’s get that F’er out of there! I love you honey!
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John – I don’t know if you can ever understand what you mean to me. How you have encouraged me and lifted me up daily, I owe you forever and I love you to the sun and back again x 20. Thank you for being by my side and for always holding my hand through the scary times. XO ME
I don’t handle situations like this very well, either. Sending many prayers your way! You’re a strong woman and I know you’ll come out of this even stronger than you were before 🙂
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Morgan – it is scary isnt it? facing the reality of the unknown but thank you for being so supportive and thank you for the encouragement because it worked!
You’re brave. Not only because you’re facing the lump(s) head-on, but because you’re being honest about your emotions. I cannot imagine what you’re feeling but I think I’d be scared, mad and spontaneously crying while I chant words of positivity, too.
You’re going to be great in surgery + I hope your recovery is swift!
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Jessica – Surgery was such an interesting experience. Feelings of doubt and questioning myself wondering if i was prepared to find out if I had cancer or not. But it is amazing the source of inspiration that these little comments give me. It is beautiful to connect with people during these times and to know you are being lifted up by so many, thank you for being apart of that. XO Tamara
My thoughts, prayers and heart are with you! Keep positive! You are helping other women by posting this and being honest about your feelings! Thanks for sharing and stay strong!
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Brenda – it is amazing how a community can come together and share in the times of joy but also in the times of sorrow. I am rejoicing that the lump is free from my body and that I am able to celebrate being cancer free. It is a mind blow to go through the ups and downs but I know there are women out there dealing with much worse news and my heart goes out to them and their journeys because I know it is not easy.
I am a friend of your Mom and her family and you probably do not even know me. Just wanted to let you know that last night I could not sleep and you came to my mind. I do not know why….but GOD does. Please know that HE has already orchestrated the answer to this and has raised up (even without their knowing why) prayer warriors for you. Much love and peace. GOD’s got this.
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Jeanne – I have read every comment and prayer and praise and thank you for saying this. I love that God speaks to us in unique ways and connects us with others at times we don’t even know we need it. I am so thankful for the love and the grace that I have experienced this week. XO Tamara
praying for you Tamara! haven’t connected with you in years–saw your mom’s facebook post and stopped by here to read. love your rawness–you are held! let Jesus wash over you even as you beat His chest!
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Elaine – thank you for stopping by – I love that this blog has brought me back to so many wonderful connections and being able to be real and honest with others is what life is all about isn’t it? i have found that the dark times are the times when I need others most and hearing the wisdom from others who have gone in and dealt with this before me has been such an uplifting time of encouragement. I appreciate your love – XO Tamara
Tamara,
I had no idea you were going through this. I am so very sorry. I want you to know that I am praying for you. I pray God will wrap His loving arms around you and give you peace during this difficult time. God is with you and will see you through this. Lots if people love you and are praying for you. Hang in there, sweet, beautiful Tamara. I love you.
Hugs & blessings,
Melissa
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Melissa – your words are so encouraging to read and thank you more than you will ever know for always being such a big cheerleader. You have been a source of encouragement and praise from day one when I started blogging and reading your words has always lifted me higher than the day before. When I am doubting myself or what I am doing it never fails that you are a source of encouragement. Thank you and keeping you and your world in my heart too. Keep shining and being a source of joy! God is doing big things in your journey too.XO Tamara
Love love love from Germany! It will be all okay in the end! Stay strong my love x
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Nina – you are the best love you
Sending love and good vibes your way! You are a rockstar! I hope they let you punch that lump once it’s out! 🙂
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Stacie – I would like to do just that! I am so thankful it is outta there – I am thankful that it decided to not be cancer too. Definitely changes your outlook on everything. Feeling very blessed and thankful for the support from friends like yourself!
Tamara- you are amazing!! Sending all our love and prayers your way! Xo
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Meghan – you are so sweet thank you for this kind message! Miss you guys and thanks for the love!
Thank you for being so open and for sharing – lots of hugs and kisses from here. You’re so strong and amazing; someone we all look up to in one way or another.
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Ania – seriously means a ton to me to read your comment. I hope it does help women to open up about these things, scary times call for support and that has been something that has helped get me through this time. Appreciate your saying something! XO Tamara
We may have never met, or maybe just briefly one time. But, you are strong, amazing, and so much more. I hope you have a speedy recovery and keep up those great high spirits you have.
Jenny
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Jenny – thank you for being so kind and leaving such sweet words of encouragement! It has been a wild ride but I am so thankful things are going so good. Life just throws us these curve balls sometimes and you never know which way they will head. XO Tamara
My thoughts are with you. Hope are feeling alright. Thank for sharing your story!
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Thank you for saying that! i appreciate all the words of love and encouragement!
I just found your blog tonight through Instagram. This is the first post I read and it touched me profoundly. I am praying/rooting for you. Thanks for being brave and sharing your journey. You are an inspiration and I believe, with your positivity you’ll be “just fine”! Xoxox
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Thank you for your sweet note it means the world to me. XO Tamara