Yesterday was one of those days. One I would love to put in a lock box, walk away with the key, and toss it into the ocean.
Exactly one year ago yesterday, I walked into my doctor’s office and heard the news. News I know a million women around the world hear every day, but I honestly couldn’t believe it. “You have a lump.” I wanted to look around the room and say, “Who? Me? Surely, you are mistaken?” I am so very cautious when it comes to scheduling yearly appointments and check ups, and I just couldn’t handle the reality of the news. I went through a series of blank stares, at the wall, at myself. I walked into the exam room for my first ever mammogram at the age of 30 (a few days before my birthday), then a series of pokes, evaluations, ultrasounds, and ended up having two lumps discovered during a double needle biopsy.
How is all of this happening? How am I sitting in a room filled with woman all waiting to hear news on their diagnosis? All I could do was to keep looking down at my pink gown and Minnetonka moccasins. I did not belong. Why was this my story?
I waited 5 days from the minute my doctor felt the lump, to passing out from hearing the news, to laying on a table with a needle in my boob. I left the doctor’s office feeling numb, feeling let down by my body, and even by God. I wanted to take my mind off of it. I did everything possible to keep myself from the “C” word. I waited for 2 full days after the procedure to hear the phone ring and when it did I about fell down answering it. When the nurse told me it was benign, I wish I could have recorded the way my face looked. I do not know my expression at the time, but I know it was one of uttermost gratefulness and pretty much every other single emotion you could possibly have.
It was during this time that I realized life is short. Life is so short. Not only did I want to call my husband, my family, my girlfriends who were lifting me up in prayer, but I wanted to scream. Scream from the mountain tops, run around outside, pop a bottle of champagne…live life. More than anything though, I wanted to run and hug every woman in that waiting room because I know not everyone received the same news.
Flash forward one year…
Yesterday, I walked into my annual appointment, and I have another lump. Groundhog day. I cannot believe I am even typing these words or sharing this with the world, but I feel like it’s a story that someone might relate to or appreciate if you are going through the same thing or have been through something similar. I am so scared you guys, more scared than I know how to explain. I don’t know if I can stand the procedure again, if I can handle the anxiety of not knowing. I have prayed my ass off. The lump is bigger than the other two last year, words like surgeon, deformed, removal, have all been running through my head. I can’t see straight and I can’t not take my mind to the dark places.
I know this is usually a place filled with happiness, fashion, tips, and travel, but I never want to hide or act like life is always perfect. And everything is sunshine and rainbows all the time because it isn’t. I wake up and make a conscious and verbal decision that the glass is going to be half full. I read inspiring quotes, look at beautiful photos, and I find a lot of strength in my friends and family. Strength through people like you who might be reading this and we have never met. I always want to be genuine, and I hope that by sharing this you can see a little piece of my heart, know way too much about my chest area, and also feel inspired to do something great today. Please share your story I know so many have way more going on I just felt it on my heart to be open, be honest, and share this with you tonight.
With so much love – XO Tamara Brooke
My beautiful brave wondrous daughter. You are deeply loved and cherished. God’s silence does not mean He is absent. We will all ask for healing and insight into a situation that cries for heavens answers. I will always love you, Mom
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Thank you so much mom – I could feel all the love and prayer covering me and I am so lucky to have such a beautiful and supportive family. Love you
Oh sweet cousin. Not fair at all. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. You are amazing and strong. Let me know if you need anything.
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Love you and thank you so much cousin! XO
Love you Tam, praying for you and sending you the most positive vibes. Big hugs and strength. Xxxxoooo
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Your positive vibes definitely did the trick! love you sweet friend!
Tam,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I too have been through this a couple of times and each time it’s like hearing it for the first time. Know you are loved by many and many are praying for you. Stay positive! Love you!!!
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Ashley – thank you for this sweet note. Your words meant so much to me! love you
Sending love and healing thoughts to a wonderful friend.
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Love you and thank you! Miss you!
Tamara, I’m so sorry to hear that you are having to relive this. God is with you and we are praying for you. You got this girl!!! Stay positive!!!!
Tamara, You are so loved. I’ve never ceased to be amazed at your positive, lovely personality. You really are a special soul. God is writing your story and will use this. He has plans for you to prosper. I have no doubt that you will come out of this with new perspective, more strength and even more beauty than before. On top of praying for healing, I’m praying that God shows you how you can use this. Thank you for your transparency! xoxoxo.
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Lauren – I appreciate this so very much. Hearing such uplifting words made these days so much easier. The outreach and the support was truly so beautiful! Thank you more than you know – XOXO
My sweet niece,
First, you know I would take this from you if I could. Members of your family have lived through this, my love, and we know what you are experiencing, especially, the difficulty of waiting for the news we so pray you hear. I would love to share my thoughts with you, but this experience is your own. Do what is best for yourself. Every time that I try to type advice from my on going journey that might help, it just doesn’t seem right for me to do.
So, know that all who love you are here anytime and cover you in prayer. It goes without saying, that if you need to talk, I’m here. If you just need to be still in The Lord, just know I so respect that decision. Whatever you need is what matters most. Uncle and I love you with all our hearts and continue to pray for that perfect outcome.
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My sweet and beautiful aunt – thank you for your perfect words and so much encouragement. i love you so very much and I am so blessed to have you in my life. Love you
I am so, so sorry to hear you’ve had to go through this again! I understand your doubts and feelings of being let down. It’s unfair. I’m in awe of your compassion to still think of the other women going through similar, more unfortunate situations, even while you’re fighting your own battle. Your positivity shows your strength, and your courage to open up and share your fears shows so much bravery. Trust in your body and trust in God to help you through. Your spirit is far too bright to be darkened by something like this. Hang in there! Lots of love, prayers, and positive vibes!
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Eryn – thank you for sending such a sweet and beautiful message. I have been so inspired by all of the support. love you friend!
I just want to send you the biggest hug and heartfelt prayers and I’m sorry you are experiencing the constant reminders of “what if” that are so hard to turn off. You are one of the most positive energy spirits I know and you must channel that and take deep breaths. A close family member of mine experienced these same situations 7 times over a ten year period…each benign but always wondering each time. The scary thought makes it hard to breath. Find your positive energy and let it calm the soul…keep skipping, jumping and play in the sun…xoxo You can do hard things! And your friends can hold your hand!
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paula thank you for your love and encouragement. I appreciate all of it and I would take a hug from you any day of the week! Love you friend!