When I look back in 2018, it is hard to not feel every emotion in the book — a year filled with highs and lows and everything in between. A year that has forever changed me, one that made us a family, John and I first-time parents, and more grace to be given than I ever knew imaginable.
When the ball dropped this year, we were all sound asleep. Well, I wasn’t sleeping, I was wide awake in bed going back down memory lane looking at photos from the year. Honestly, New Year’s Eve was nothing crazy. It could have been any old weekday, but it was meaningful to us: no frills, no sparkle dress or high heels, just me and my two guys in party hats, and a bottle of champagne by the fire.
Lately, the smallest things have felt like some of the biggest.
I desperately want to remember all the things 2018 was filled with and hopefully never forget how much it opened my heart. Remember how I never knew I could love and break in the same instance.
Motherhood has been something unlike any other experience in the world. Many of you have reached out and sent me messages and emails, and I can’t tell you how much I love connecting with you on a deeper level.
I took a little break from writing after the holidays. We all were under the weather and Leo was having a tough time sleeping with his cough and runny nose. I was feeling exhausted, and I never get sick.
The holidays this year, in particular, brought much excitement to our house. My family was visiting us in Minneapolis, and Leo was celebrating his first Christmas, but none of it went to plan. I felt crushed. Then my family members started getting sick after us, and then it all came and went, and I was heartbroken.
I would find myself writing this post in the shower, late at night after Leo was in bed, or while sitting holding my sleeping baby and mentally making a note of what I wanted my first post of 2019 to convey. I had big goals to have this up on New Years Day. It didn’t happen. John was working all holiday, and taking care of Leo all alone meant I couldn’t get it done in time.
Scrolling through Instagram felt like everyone else had done just that. I honestly felt like a loser.
I was comparing myself, and it was all just a big mess. Instead, I tucked my computer away and would find myself opening my laptop to type and then suddenly shutting it because Leo was awake from a quick catnap or needed me or was hungry or a million other things that were demanding my attention came first. I kept making excuses for myself, and then I just felt worse.
I needed time.
I so enjoy writing. I love taking photos and sharing those, but there is something that brings me more solace and peace when I am sitting in bed typing than anything else. Well I lied, baking makes me super calm but who in the world has time for that?
I doubted myself and what I want this year to mean. I did not sit and write out my goals for the year, no shiny new planner filled with all the things I will accomplish or make happen this year. I needed to trust that it would all happen when it should, but the doubt crept in so hard it made it hard to feel or see anything else.
I have been thinking hard about the direction of the blog. Funny how in the beginning I had these goals of just sharing some outfits and possibly some of our fun travels. Never in a million years did I imagine sharing about breastfeeding or pregnancy. But that is where life is right now.
On New Year’s Eve, one of my girlfriends sent me a text asking what my word was going to be for 2019. You see each year I have a word that somehow finds me. I make it my goal to know and own that word for the entire year ahead. It does not happen quickly, and sometimes I am unsure if it is the right one until it smacks me so hard in the face I can’t ignore it.
I quickly replied to her saying I hadn’t quite decided, but I felt like the word trust kept jumping out at me. It was in my readings, in quotes, I would scroll past it on Pinterest, random places would present the word to me. I prayed over it before finally resting on trust as my official word of 2019.
Trust by definition: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
I share my word only to hopefully help inspire you and possibly encourage you to embrace something you might be overlooking. Last year my word was grace and Lord have mercy was that my word and was it ever so real for our year. Grace upon grace was the theme. I am beyond blown away by the sheer fact that these words have been, so spot on it isn’t funny.
Becoming a mom has made me doubt myself in ways I was not prepared. I am usually quite gathered and put together, but then this tiny human came along and shook it all upside down. Making decisions that could affect him and me forever, trusting in my instinct when something feels off, and learning to let go of a lot of things that are out of my control, all of this will be an ever constant battle. That is where my word comes in to play.
I am trusting myself, trusting God, trusting the timing of life. I know this word is going to mean so much more at this time next year and I look forward to that.
What this year holds for C+M and our family I do not know, but I am sure it will be filled with lots of memories, newness, doubt, and prayer while I navigate leaning on my new word.
Thank you for always reminding me why I started blogging. Thank you for making me want to be a better person and use this platform for the best. It isn’t always easy, and there are days I find myself unsure of it all but by the grace of God above I am still here, still typing, creating and I hope that never changes.
Please share your word with me if you have one! I love hearing from you guys.
Happy New Year from my family to yours – Tamara
Images by Tippy Jordan